Something has shifted with your teen. You can't quite name it, and every time you ask, you get a shrug or a closed door. You're left wondering whether this is a normal part of growing up or a sign they need more support than you can give.
At Strength in Heart, this is one of the most common questions we hear from parents. Here's how our youth counsellors think about it.
Signs parents usually notice
When parents contact us about their teen, they're usually seeing some combination of these changes:
Seeming sad or low for much of the time
Spending most of their time alone in their room
Being snappy or irritable over small things
Not wanting to join family activities
Losing interest in things they used to enjoy
The hard part is that every one of these can also be ordinary teenage behaviour. Teens need more privacy and independence than they did a few years ago, and some moodiness comes with the territory.
Is it normal teen behaviour or something more?
Honestly, sometimes you can't tell from the outside. You also don't have to figure it out before reaching out.
You don't need a diagnosis
Many parents assume counselling is only for teens with a serious problem. In our experience, it helps with much more than that. A teen can get a lot out of talking with someone about hormonal changes, stress and worry, school stress, friendships, or questions they don't feel comfortable asking a parent, teacher or family member.
Counselling doesn't mean anything is wrong with your teen. It means they have a confidential, unbiased person to talk to about their worries and what's happening in their life.
A rule of thumb
If the withdrawal, irritability or low mood has been going on for a couple of weeks with no good stretches in between, that's a good time to reach out. A teen who's grumpy most days but still has moments where they seem like themselves is in a different place from one who hasn't had a good day in weeks.
What stays private in teen counselling
Parents often ask what they'll be told about their teen's sessions. We treat a teen's confidentiality the same way we treat any client's. Without the teen's consent, we don't share what's said in sessions with parents, and we take that very seriously.
That privacy is what makes counselling work for teens. It gives them a safe space to talk about whatever needs to be talked about, including sex, relationships, and things they'd never bring up at home. We support teens to be autonomous and to speak for themselves as much as possible.
Like all counsellors, we work within legal requirements. If something comes up related to harm or risk of harm, we bring parents in.
What counselling with a teen looks like
A situation we see often: parents know something is off, but their teen won't tell them what's going on. That's where another trusted adult can make a difference. A relationship with a counsellor who is on the teen's side, and who isn't a parent, can change the direction of a teen's life.
Reluctance at the start is normal
Most teens are reluctant when they first come in. We're used to that, and working through it is part of building the relationship. Over time, as the relationship deepens and they come to trust their counsellor, teens open up.
Finding the right counsellor
We have several youth counsellors on our team, and we do our best to match each teen with the right person the first time. If a teen works with someone and it doesn't feel quite right, they can switch to another counsellor here without starting over somewhere new.
Where parents fit in
Parents aren't shut out. Sometimes a teen will ask for a parent to be involved at some point, and that can happen without it turning into family counselling. Some of our counsellors also offer family counselling when that's the better fit.
Once a teen has someone professional and confidential to talk to, parents often notice them being more relaxed and more themselves at home. They'll still have the regular ups and downs of being a teenager.
How to talk to your teen about counselling
Present counselling as something to support them. Teens can easily hear "you should see a counsellor" as "something is wrong with you," so tell them directly that you don't think that.
It can also help to be honest about what a parent can't offer. You aren't confidential, and you can't be unbiased about your own kid. A counsellor can be both.
What you might say
You could try something like: "I don't think anything is wrong with you. There are probably things you wouldn't want to talk to me about, and I'd like you to have someone you can talk to."
Some parents find it helps to frame it as mentorship. Mentors play a different role in our lives than parents or teachers do. Having an adult outside the family to share whatever is on your mind can be life-changing, and you're offering your teen that opportunity.
How to get started
The best first step is to book a free online consultation and have your teen join you. You can each log in from a different location, so your teen doesn't have to sit beside you. It's a low-pressure way for them to meet a counsellor and ask questions before committing to anything.
A few things to know:
Our youth counsellors work with teens 13 and up.
Teens are welcome to contact us on their own.
We usually ask a parent to sign a consent form, though not always. If a teen is firmly against involving a parent, we look at that case by case.
If something has felt off with your teen for a couple of weeks, you don't need to be certain before you reach out. Booking a free consultation is how you find out.
